Star Wars Episode Two: Attack Of The Clones Review

Is this film more engaging than The Phantom Menace? Yes.

Does that make it better? No.

Attack Of The Clones succeeds at having half an interesting story that falls flat at the end anyway, whereas The Phantom Menace at least stuck to simplicities even if it wasn’t very interesting.

Here my mind keeps going “oh I thought that plot point was done better or wrapped up” only to remember that The Clone Wars series did that and I’m certainly not giving any of these films credit for something another thing did.

Hayden Christensen is a good actor, but he was handed a crap script and it shows.

The line about sand. The creepy smile. His weird prepubescent voice. It’s not a great recipe but it’s no Jake Lloyd.

Natalie Portman doesn’t fair much better to be honest. I mean really... “I truly, deeply love you”. That’s the line folks. All of Anakin and Padme’s romantic chemistry thrown into that line there. Lord have mercy.

By far the best part of this film is Ewan McGregor who is now channeling his Alec Guinness. Whilst it’s not fully there, his version of Obi-Wan is captivating and the only reason I believe this film to be watchable in any capacity.

His time on Kamino with Jango Fett is this film’s best moment. In my opinion it’s also this film’s only good moment.

Let’s talk about lightsabers because this film has a lot of them!

Why don’t we take the methodical approach to wielding a lightsaber and turn it into Just Dance shall we?

Why don’t we have Count Dooku and Yoda agree that lightsabers are somehow more challenging to use than the god damn force?

No? Oh well I’m sorry to say we already distributed the film...

Also you know how the lightsaber is an ancient tool of the Jedi and how the colour scheme of the lightsaber bares a strong resemblance to the user’s intent and connection to said blade? Yeah well from this point forward forget about that because Mace Windu is repping a purple bad boy because he asked nicely!

A badass Fett that actually does something? Well let’s give him a worse send off than his son! (Prior to his return in the Mandalorian of course)

Every time I think of something decent this film has going another ten things ramp up to stamp out anything this film had going.

I guess my final thoughts are... Kit Mundi was pretty cool...

3/10